The Emotionally Addictive Personality

Addictive personalities are typically closely related to compulsive behavior. Often, the need to control is at the root of an individual's addiction and this in itself can cause the majority of tension and negative issues within the home.

While the majority of the information available on addictive personalities concentrates primarily on substance abuse, the problem can be far more subtle and less life threatening than drugs or alcohol.

Addictive personalities can manifest themselves in a variety of ways that may not, at first glance, be recognized as such. Whether this addiction is an insatiable need instant gratification, attention, reassurances of love or simply always being placed at the top of the household's priority list, the damage can be as emotionally devastating as any drug or alcohol problem.

In cases of the emotionally addictive personality, those living with this individual may find that they are unendingly challenged to "prove" their love, concern or appreciation for the addicted individual. Calculated emotional tests are often administered by the addictive personality through the creation of crises within the home. One failed "test" and days or weeks of panic and chaos can ensue. This panic and chaos sacrifices the needs of everyone else within the home if left unchecked.

In order to avoid this cycle of behaviors, it is imperative that those living with the addictive personality learn to disengage from these attempts. To engage with the individual does nothing more than escalate the problem, as the tests will continue to become more challenging as long as the addictive personality is receiving the desired results.

Breaking the cycle is an unquestionably painful process. The addictive personality will interpret refusal to participate in these tests as affirmation of their fears that they are not loved, valued or treasured. However, by concentrating on reconditioning them to realize that exaggerated accommodation of their demands is not symbolic with love, it can be a successful process.

In order to do this, one must demonstrate a great deal of patience and empathy. However, neither of these should be confused with surrendering your objective. The addictive personality in your life will panic when his or her methods are no longer yielding the satisfaction they once did. This is to be expected and is by no means an indication that the process is proving to be unsuccessful.

To begin this process, articulate to your loved one that you have made a decision that the drama and chaos must stop now and that a zero tolerance policy for the manipulative behavior is now in effect. Explain to your loved one that your love is unconditional and based on issues that go much deeper than surface actions and accommodating their frivolous demands. Reassure them that "no" is an occasional, but ongoing part of life and should never be interpreted as, "You are not important" or "I don't love you enough to say yes." In fact, point out to them that the very love they so desperately desire requires limits and boundaries. Without these, love is not love, but rather control, manipulation and sometimes even obsession.

By having this initial conversation with the addictive personality in your life, you are laying the groundwork for the next episodes....and they will come. When they do, stay calm, but point out to your loved one that you recognize that he or she is attempting to engage you in another emotional test and that based on your previous conversation, you cannot and will not participate in the process.

The initial response you will receive may very well be a devastating one. The second, third and even fourth times may be just as difficult. However, once your loved one realizes that their previously successful manipulations are no longer reaping the rewards that they once did, their behaviors will begin to change.

With patience and above all, consistency, your relationship with the emotionally addictive personality can become one of mutual satisfaction for both of you. One that frees you from the cycle of "giving in" and "giving up." Your lives together can become that which truly embodies love...where respect, mutual understanding and reciprocity genuinely and truly exist.

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