To Live or Not to Live - Part Two - Stigma

Education of the successes to the masses needs to be more vigorously addressed in order to dethrone the status of mental health from the \'stigma\' realm.\r Because of stigma many go undiagnosed and therefore untreated and languishing in a bed of despair and frustration, fighting daily battles that could be won instead of ongoing with brief reprieves. It is these brief reprieves that convince many that they have this ailment licked and when the next bout turns the corner they will be ready for it and onward they march, always warey and weary too. Sad, for it need not be like this.

46 years or thereabouts I was in this ongoing battle, cushioned by bouts with alcohol and its\' medicinery properties helping to soften the blows and making the journey pleasant.\r Thought it was my lot to be messed up and accepted it as so, a fact to be tolerated and not\r questioned, as it would lead to more problems......... or so I thought.

A life of hushed suicide attempts, darkened rooms, anxieties, and moments of euphoria where many things got started and few accomplished. The many failed projects adding fuel to the already hopeless fire ascending beyond a flickering ember to an all out brush fire. Constant moving to start anew and anew and anew, always repeating the story.

The ending ever remaining the same...

Many Octobers ago I ended up in the emergency room after a failed suicide attempt, and spent two days in the I.C.U. with heart monitors keeping tabs on me. Followed by 8 days in the psyche unit of the hospital. A fortuitous event it would seem as the enlightened stay unfolded and I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and ADHD. Medicine was prescribed and improvements began to be felt with the accompaniment of individual and group therapy sessions.

Upon discharge I attended an Intensive Outpatient Program on depression. With follow up schedules to therapist and psychiatrist in my agenda as a matter of form.\r Education is marvelous if one is receptive and as long as complacency keeps its ugly face out of the picture. Beware the onset of complacency, it is very sneaky in its arrival and may catch one unawares with disastrous consequences (for me) that resulted in another suicide attempt and a follow up stay in the same hospital for 6 days this time.

It is said that suicide ideation is a result of anger directed at oneself...hold that thought.\r What am I so angry at that the only solution is to repeatedly envision ways of ending my life and sometimes acting on them ....... maybe someday the result will be final..... hold that thought too.

More education is in order, there is something not quite right with the picture and I need to seek the answer.

Alone all alone but not quite on a mountaintop, there is plenty of room for others in my life, just have to decide to participate, really it is all about wanting to participate but really not having any interest whatsoever.

Anyway, reading many books on the subject of mental health shows the astounding discoveries already made and the progress that has been successfully reached is truly soothing and reassuring. In therapy I am directed to move away from the black and white thinking and allow all the colours of the spectrum to enter my life and different views will flourish. This thinking too has to be in many aspects of recovery and not just in thinking. The real question is: do I want to live or really live with memorable journeys and peaceful moments? When the answer comes it will be time to regress or progress.

Progress it is and onward we move, the Himalayas are not so daunting after all. Maybe even a cup of tea with the Buddha in Tibet will be in order too. Laugh not oh you of little vision. To have progress at all, you have to have it in all aspects otherwise it is only partial or miniscule progress......... and what is the point in that. There are no elevators to the top of the Himalayas and to sink into the ocean one has to stop breathing, so sinking is not an option either.

Get out the books and read and listen to the words being carried from the pages and allow the message being planted in your mind to spread roots and blossom. Unlike the corn seeds that have to be harvested in a specific time frame, the message in your mind has a lifetime to grow and flourish while making room for more knowledge as your understanding deepens and requests for more seek fulfillment.

I thought I wanted to die. Plant a tree in a poisonous environment and it will get sick and die. The procedure may not be fast and swift. It may be long and arduous, but if transplanted to good, fresh and cultivated soil it may be given a new lease on life and with fertilization and nourishment it will flourish and seeds will be yielded to spread the message that there may be a new chance for a new life and not to give up.

Thomas is an entrepreneur / motivational / inspirational seeker for a better way of life for one and all to enjoy. I know you desire a better way of life and would like to know more about incredible resources both free and not; so go right ahead and contact me @ incaalpacatrail@hotmail.com for more information.

Warmest regards.

Thomas J. Cummins

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